I really don’t know how to begin this post. I sit here struggling with the right words, because if I reveal the truth I open myself up for judgement and other people’s opinions of me at a time when I am already judging and critizing myself just fine on my own.
After my last marathon, I made a quiet decision to run another 26.2 this past Sunday. I was feeling disappointed with the last marathon, it was hilly and hot and I didn’t have my best performance. Looking for some vindication, I had every intention of getting my PR at this race, fully confident that my body is capable of running this distance at the same pace as my long training runs. As the start time approached, however, things began to unravel. I was awoken at midnight the night before the race, and because of my anxiety I was unable to fall back asleep. By the time my alarm went off, I had a splitting migraine and was still recovering from a severe chest cold. I guess a part of me wanted to believe that these factors did not matter, that a champion can push through illness without flinching. Determined, I put on my gear and drove to the starting line. In hindsight, this may not have been the best decision.
I began my race and, despite the pain I was in, maintained a solid pace. By the time I completed the first 13.1 mile loop, though, I knew that I wasn’t going to able to finish. I was nearly delirious from the pain of the migraine and seemingly every breath triggering another hacking cough. I had to call it, and in that moment I did something I have never done before: I ended my race at the half marathon point. The announcer was, literally, calling my name as the 3rd full marathon woman to reach the halfway mark when I just stopped running, walked off the course, and puked my guts out.
I’m frustrated, disappointed, and angry with myself that I have not yet run the marathon the way I have my long training runs or my half marathons. It has become such a point of contention that I believe I have created a dark, anxious cloud in my soul. I got home yesterday, sick in my body and wounded in my spirit… Thank God I had the words of my precious friend comforting me as she texted me the entire day. If not for her compassion and level headed advice, I may have spiraled downward. I was telling her “running is no longer fun”, “I have no motivation to do this anymore.” She gently talked me through my sadness, in a way only she could.
As we all know, tomorrow is a new day, and all will look different in time. Today, I dropped my kids off at school and went for a Garmin free therapy trail run. What I came to me is nothing new, but what I oftentimes forget… that life is, and always will be about:
1. Surrender- Letting go of an idea that things have to be a certain way and stop judging when they are not the picture you had in mind.
2. Trust- Being comfortable with what is happening right here, right now. Not questioning or protesting, but accepting the path that is being presented to you. Even if it hurts.
3. Believe- What you want is possible, but it takes time, paitence, determination and perseverance. The path may be a rocky one, but there is no turning back. With every failure, the eventual victory will be that much sweeter and meaningful.
Perhaps God knows I need meaning in life, and He is guiding me toward something larger than I could have ever dreamed. Like a child, I could be angry and upset for not fulling a dream ‘RIGHT NOW” or, I could stay true to my intended purpose. God may cause me to stumble so that when I do get that PR it will have so much meaning, and that is what I have been praying for… meaning in my life. With this belief in mind, I choose not to be angry and jugdmental towards myself, but be grateful for every failure, every bump in the road, because it’s all part of the path I am on.
It sounds so petty discussing my sadness over something as small as running a PR, but I believe chasing dreams and fighting for goals, no matter how big or small, is important in our lives. We all have different hopes and distinct journeys, they all must be acknowledged, we’re all in this together.
I TRUST that this is the road He wants me to take, I BELIEVE that I will run the race I have dreamed of for so long, and I SURRENDER and will try not to question the journey to get there.
What bumps in the road have you had that resulted in something great?
About Lisa
We beat ourselves the most when we have attachments to something. From the outside looking in, you are doing amazing, Lisa!!! But I know how you feel. It’s OK to feel sad and disappointed, too. Just remember that breakout moments often follow break downs, and in those scenarios, truly we are called upon to surrender. Let your mind and body heal, and I know you’ll nail the PR!! Sending you digital hugs, my friend!!
Oh Lisa! That royally sucks but I like your way of looking at it. A therapy trail run sounds exactly what you need more of right now. I’m sure you’ll regroup and be back, ready for another try soon enough. Good luck my friend! Hugs!!
You WILL find the path. You will find success. And your dreams will become reality. I hope to be there when it happens, because I can’t wait to see that smile on your face.
BTW I love the part where they’re calling your name and you’re off the course, puking. Classic.
I love that you can write so eloquently about this experience. You are a motivation, inspiration and mentor in more ways than you’ll ever know.
<3
Oh Lisa. I’m so so sorry about the race and I hope that you are physically feeling better. I can imagine your disappointment and frustration. But can I tell you something? You are incredibly strong not only because you ran 13.1 miles when you were feeling so unwell but honestly because of your drive and determination. I admire you so much and how much heart you put into pursuing your goals and the perspective that you bring to this. I know that you will run the race of your dreams.
Well, I struggled through my 50 mile, but God helped me get through that, and I now have the testimony of running 50 miels. You can do, we all have bad races and even if they happen to be long ones, you gotta remember you’re body doesn’t know the start of a 5k versus a 100mi ultra. You just have to be confident and keep lining up and you’ll pull out a good race.
It is so hard to not hit the goal and the expectation, it happened to me in both marathons that I’ve run so far, and it is heart breaking. But you are absolutely right when you say that the eventual victory will be that much sweeter. Taking yourself out of the race should not feel shameful, migraines are NOTHING to mess with, do you suffer them often? Do you throw up each time you have them? If you haven’t been checked out by a doctor for them, I would highly recommend considering it. Keep fighting for those goals and stay healthy, we need you in our community!
We truly gain character through life’s trials and tribulations. It is very hard to accept, but everything is on His time… not our time, so you are absolutely right: “Perhaps God knows I need meaning in life, and He is guiding me toward something larger than I could have ever dreamed.”
I woke up to this scripture on one of my flip calendars this week:
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” – James 1:17 NIV
“Our Heavenly Father never takes anything from His children unless He means to give them something better.” – George Mueller
Amen! You will get your PR, and you will run the race you have dreamed of for so long!!
<3 xoox's
awwww girl! wish i could give you a big hug. don’t beat yourself up over this! you’ve done some phenomenal running things lately and sometimes your body just needs a break. you got the next one! xoxo
I’m so sorry your marathon went so horribly but you are right. We need to surrender and see what is ahead! You will get that marathon!
As much as it sucks to have a race like that, I feel like you haven’t failed because you are taking away wisdom and learning from the experience. Great things are ahead for you for sure. Believe it. Big hugs my friend.
the adoption of our child! we hit every snag, i was trapped in another country, BEST BUMPS EVER
xoxoxo
So very true. After a month hiatus from running I’m back at it. Gadget free and only when I have a desire to run. So refreshing. Hang in there!
wow, yes, been there! and my husband is RIGHT there too with his Career. Stumbling, fearing, and feeling disappointed but GOD is sovereign. He HAS bigger and BETTER plans. So we must trust, we must surrender, we must know that HIS purpose for us FAR exceeds ours!
I really love this post. Thank you so much for sharing. In our moments of weakness we figure out what is strongest.
Aw, I’m really sorry! I’ve been there and I know how you feel. I think you are doing the right thing right now. Just take some time to chill, let your body and spirit recover. You have an incredible base, so you don’t need to rush Boston training. Take the time NOW to relax with your running.
Boston is going to be your day, I just know it!
Thinking of you! You are strong and will bounce back! I know it! Take good care
xo
This does not sound petty at all! Marathons take months of training and pouring yourself into a big goal- it’s understandably devastating when things fall apart. I’m so glad Alison could talk you through the worst of it on Sunday. Yes, surrender. Trust. Believe. I know your strength- one marathon does not define you!
Thanks for sharing! I am glad you did. You seem to have the right attitude!
I am sorry the run went so bad Sunday. I hope you are on the path to the PR you want so badly. I wish you could see that the running you have done is amazing and it sounds like you are on a good path to get you there. Train smart for Boston and make that the day. I know you can. You know you can! I just wish I could run fast enough to do it with you. See you at the track tonight!
What an amazing post! Thank you for letting down your guard and sharing it. You have no idea, how this spoke to me as I am struggle with not only my runs but other aspects right now in my life and you are right, we need to surrender, trust and belive….
Thank you
This is one of the most real and raw pieces I’ve read in a long time. Thanks so much for sharing your insights and your heart with us readers. I work to keep those thoughts in mind every day and regarding everything. I’ve always been someone to follow the road less traveled, which is inherently rockier and bumpier than the other road. You will get there!
I understand that you’re disappointed, but don’t beat yourself up. Training wasn’t wasted, it never is, we train for races, but more importantly we train for life. Running isn’t about the medals, it’s about making life a little better.
I know how you feel! It’s hard for us type As perfectionists to not ruin something we enjoy. I found the best way to deal is to step back and realize this is for fun, not for score.
Maybe God is teaching you exactly what your wrote here – that you can trust, believe,and surrender – and when you do His plans will be able to really take shape and be even better than what you have planned! I know the frustration and defeat when things don’t work out, especially when you’ve poured so much time and energy into training, but keep believing!!
Thank you for your support Heather! I do believe it’s possible, I haven’t given up yet, too stubborn for that! xoxo
Oh – hugs friend. You are a very strong woman for sharing your story.
No great advice, but I do connect with your feelings of self-doubt. There are so many factors that come into play with our runs. We can do our best, but we can’t control sickness or many other things. We can train for hills, but we can’t always guaranty our body will react exactly how we want. I hope you find your happy running place again, whether or not you find the marathon groove you seek. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much Cat! I really appreciate your kind words!
I am so sorry about your race! I wish that I had some great advice to dish out, but I don’t. We have all been there at some point, but you are strong and you have a good attitude. I should take your words and incorporate the surrender, trust & believe into my own life right now.
Thank you so much Tasha! Sending you prayers!
I don’t think I would have even made it to the start line, so that is a huge accomplishment in and of itself! I thought your last marathon was amazing — you are not giving yourself enough credit for how tough that course was!
Anyway, I identify with a lot of this. I took a pretty good break over the last few months because I wasn’t feeling the marathon after my Long Beach experience, but I think I am slowly warming up to the idea of it again.
Onward to Boston!
I don’t think the PR miss is petty, we all go through different struggles at different times and it’s 100% ok to feel however you feel
Can you tell I’ve been practicing to tell myself that.
The good news is you know where you went wrong and maybe you can try something to help with sleep before the next one so your nerves can’t take over. We’ve all been there so it’s great that you shared because now we all know it even happens to rock stars
Such good advise! Yes, maybe an elephant tranquillizer would do the trick, the night before a race! haha! Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment! xoxo
As runners, we are all notoriously hard in ourselves. However, you listened to your body and stopped when it said enough is enough. That takes discipline and strength.
You’ll bounce back from this. Soon, once the sting of the wound has faded a little, you will learn from this experience and that PR will be yours. Bad races and bad long runs are my avidity (in hind sight only) because they’re the ones that teach us the most and help us grow not only as athletes, but as human beans.
Xoxo
Thank you so much! So so true!
Avidity = favorite. Ipad problems
Such a beautiful post! You will get there, and the journey will make you appreciate it that much more!
Thank you so much for your kind words Ari!
YOU are an inspiration – it’s not easy to go after a goal time and again and have heartbreak, and it’s not petty to be upset over a missed PR. You will shine when it’s your time and it will be so so sweet and beautiful and have SO MUCH MEANING. Believe me, I’ve been there! I had two HORRIBLE marathons in the spring, horrible. my husband still gives me a hard time for completely losing my mind at mile 16 and all but throwing myself into the ocean I was running alongside. BUT, I was chasing a dream, and I wouldn’t give up, even though I wanted to. and with that comes some upset along the way, but you are chasing a dream, you are trying – and that deserves a lot of credit. Your PR will come and it will be exactly the experience God wants you to have. I’m excited for you. It’s all stones in the path right now, and where that path leads you will be awesome:) Keep on going, my friend!
xoxo
As a very newbie runner, I can somewhat relate on a much much smaller scale. It’s ok to be down for a little but it seems like you’re already on the upward rebound after your garmin free trail run. I’m following this blog because you’re an inspiration and I wanna learn as much as I can from you. God Bless
Oh Lisa – I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to see this post. It was a gutsy effort, and you gave it your all. If you hadn’t started you would have wondered what the outcome could have been. It’s an incredible effort to get half way in third in the circumstances. Your words about the whole situation are beautiful. One step at a time. Thank you for being so honest.
I’m so sorry you had another tough run. But I’m so proud of you for stopping and taking care of yourself. This must have been a hard decision to make!
What could be the reason that your run better on training runs vs marathon races is the stress factor and pressure. I have a really tough time with it, too! My last marathon was not fun and starting at mile 5 I was sick to my stomach. I strongly believe it was nerves. You plan and think so long about this one day! That’s the reason I decided NOT to run another marathon this year and just focus on having fun and enjoying running without pressure. That’s why I like the 13 half marathons in 2013. There is not pressure on one race. I might have a bad race, but I’m sure there will be many more good ones.
I hope you recover well!! Hugs!!