Truth is, I just don’t feel myself these days. I came off of a 12 day migraine, then ran a marathon, am now I’m knee deep in end of the school year craziness — I just feel like this has sucked the life out me. I don’t want to get up in the mornings, I am not motivated to write, do household duties or really do anything at all. So, I don’t, and when I pause and relax for a moment, a wave of bordom and anxiety come crashing down on me.
Why relax? If I take some time off it will only compound my pressure, because I will fall behind, making things so much worse. I keep asking myself, “What is the point?” So much of my life feels like a hamster on a wheel. Instead of constantly moving, what I really need is to slow down. Insted of hyper-connected electronic messaging, I need to experience some authentic human intimacy. I don’t mean intimacy in a sexual way, although there’s nothing wrong with that either, I am talking about the need to connect.
I have lived my life long enough to understand that when I start to feel like this, I need to slow down and reconnect. I need to connect to Nature, maybe take a long, slow trail run where I can pause to marvel at the trees, flowers, rocks and wildlife. Observing my natural surroundings reminds me to simplify and connect with my true self. A moment’s silence affirms that I too am part of the miracle of life. For me, “Nature” includes a lot of things: my surroundings, my children, my friends, my husband and family. Modern life makes us all neurotic and crazy, but when I slow down life comes back into focus. Stopping the rat race to observe my children playing, gently touch my husband’s shoulder, laugh until my belly hurts, let my parents know how grateful I am, or look into my friend’s eyes and tell her that I care… These are the things I am craving.
I don’t want to text, email, or quickly talk in passing. I don’t want a schedule, agenda or have to be somewhere. I am tired of “having” to be somewhere! I don’t want to “have” to do something, but doing nothing is not what I want, either. I just need to feel a part of the world for a second. Reconnect with my soul, with the souls of the people who mean so much to me. I love my blog, I love that it has brought such wonderful people into my life, but I want to be having coffee or a glass of wine somewhere with my people. I am tired of comments, twitter, likes, instagram, and facebook.
I need human contact, I need to have fun, be myself. I need to have a deep conversation about the meaning of life. I need to laugh until I cry about something silly and light. I need to yell out “fuck off world” and not feel judged. I need to have a secret language with my best friends that only we can decode. I want to pull a practical joke on a friend. I need to nickname my pals something silly, something only they would understand. I need to hug, cry, laugh, get buzzed, and dance on some tables. I want to rip my bathing suit top off at the beach or jump in a pool wearing clothes. I need to sit and pet my cat for an hour while his purr lulls me into a state of content. I need to fall asleep under the stars with my children. I crave connection.
I need intimacy like I need air, and without it I feel as though a huge wave of doom will come crashing down on me, a wave that I am not able to surf, a tsunami of darkness. Modern life is great, I love so many things about it, but it will drown you if you’re not careful.
Who wants to go to the beach with me? Bathing suits optional!