Oftentimes my daughter and I end up spending alone time together while all of my boys do their “man” things. We love to do crafts, bake, hike, and shop. But one of our favorite things is go jog/walking together. She is only 6 years old, but she loves to get dressed up in her running clothes, fill her water bottle, and head out with me for a slow jog around the block or a few times around the track at our neighborhood school.

This is our chance to talk and get caught up, our uninterupted time together. I have to say, I cherish these moments. More than anything we do together, running with my daughter is my absolute favorite time with her. When we are doing anything else, it’s interrupted. When we cook, we need to concentrate on measuring. When we shop, we are looking for items to buy. When we’re doing crafts, we are focusing on the task at hand. Running eliminates all of that and we are connecting soul to soul. Even when she is struggling, I feel like I am teaching her how to ride the waves of uneasiness and explaining to her the difference between true pain and discomfort. Sometimes everything goes smooth and we have a glorious time and other times not so much, but we are both learning, growing and most important, connecting soul to soul… just as mother and daughter should.

The majority of the time, she feels proud of herself for going and when I tuck her in at night and ask her what was the best part of her day, it brings me pure joy to hear her say “going for a run with mommy”. We crave alone time with together, and we thrive when we give it to each other. I feel proud that I am teaching her to move. I am creating an awareness in her that her body is a powerful gift, and having a strong and healthy body will create a strong and healthy mind.

It’s a process, just like anything good in life. I’m not going to paint this perfect picture, there are times when she does not want to go or when she is complaining when we get out there. We deal with those moments as they come, but we have just as many wonderful moments when we are laughing, smiling and stopping to look at snails, lizards, bunnies, and birds. Here are a few reasons running with my daughter has been important to me:

Reasons to run with your daughter

Making Memories- The uninterrupted time spent running together is much more meaningful than just about any other activity.

Doing a Race Together- When you sign up for a race together, you have a common goal and can help each other stay motivated. What better motivator than setting the example for your children?

Teaching- Running is a valuable teacher, especially in those difficult moments. It is a great way to teach our daughters to power through and be strong. To explain the difference between true pain and discomfort and that each should be dealt with in a different way.

Alone Time- Children crave one on one attention with their parents, give them these quiet moments where there are zero distractions.

Getting Outside- Running or walking gets you up, moving, and out into nature. There are so many things your children will miss by spending their lives indoors: sunsets, sunrises, wildflowers, wildlife, rocks, rainbows, the feel of different types of weather, the smells, the sounds.. There is nothing like nature to light your spirit up.

Heathy Self Esteem- I am on a mission to teach my daughter healthy self esteem, something that took me until my adult life to learn. I want her to be proud of herself. I don’t want her to feel like she needs to please me or anyone else. When we’re done with a walk, run, or race, I ask her “how do you feel?” When she answers “proud of myself”, I beam with happiness. Running will teach your daughter self love.

As you may know, I am running Women’s Running Series 5K in Scottsdale AZ. November 3, 2013.The WRS is the perfect destination race designed for runners and walkers of all types, including your daughter! This race series has on course entertainment, a no pressure low key feel, and a gorgeous finisher’s medal. Although, my daughter is only 6 and is not eligible to run, you better believe I am going to run it with her in 2015! You only need to be 8 years old to run or walk the 5K and only 12 to run/walk the half marathon. I love this race! I love that it’s mostly women, I love idea of racing with my daughter someday. I can not think of a better way to spend a vacation or a weekend.

There are not many reasons why we all shouldn’t be bringing our daughters along for the ride. We’re running anyway, why not make memories with the one person who means more to us than just about anyone? She will not look back and remember a trip to the mall, but I assure you she will always remember “the time we did that race” in Scottsdale, San Diego, St. Petersburg, or Nashville. Do it! Sign up today right HERE and I have a discount code for the Scottsdale race: $10 off registration FITAZLISA.

Follow Women’s Running Series on Facebook and Twitter Follow and use WRS Hashtag #BeAmazing

After my speed training yesterday, yes, I ran away from that thing like I was od’ing on crack, I came home and Rafflecopter pulled a winner for the Nuun Cherry Limeade, Slush Mug and Spooon giveaway that went on last week. and the lucky winner is….

Congratulations Whitney Sutherland please email me your information so I can mail your prize out to you!

When my package from Koss came to the front door, I was really excited. You see, I am fortunate enough to represent a company called FitFluential and through this affiliation, I have many opportunities to test out fitness related products such as the new FitSeries headphones by Koss. Generally, I am someone who does not exercise with music, but lately I have been needing a little extra motivation on those really tough tempo and long runs, so when I had a chance to review these headphone, I jumped on it.

As I opened my package, I was delighted to see Olympic Medalist Dara Torres on the front. Since we are close in age, I have always felt so inspired by what an amazing athlete she is. She’s proof that age does not effect your ability. She gives me hope that I still have some pr’s in me. I was also excited to see the purple and bright orange color sceme, I don’t know, is it just me, or does anyone else love bright colors? They make me feel strong and happy.

Let me back a little, Koss is no newcomer to this industry, John Koss founded the company in 1958 inventing the first stereo headphones. He wanted to capture the thrill of being “enclosed in the music” and thanks to his inovation, we can escape into a musical world of our own anytime we like, including difficult workouts. Thank you very much Mr. Koss. The FitSeries was designed specifically with women in mind by other women, giving them the proper fit for our smaller ears.

The first time I ran with my FitBuds,the right bud would not stay in my ear, I tried everything and it would not stay put, I was getting frustrated but luckily it was only a 3 miler. I got home and started messing around. I discovered that I need two different sized cushions (They come with four sizes) Once I fixed the problem, I went out on another run to test them out. That was it! Problem solved, I was off and running, this time, thoroughly enjoying being “enclosed” in my music.

I did a 10 miler and it was one of those runs that felt like I could go on forever, coincidence? perhaps, but having the music to distract me was a welcome change from my solo workouts.

I also tested the FitClip, a headphone that wraps around the ear. With this one, I did not need to adjust the cushions, which by the way, are velvety soft and paper thin.

They stayed in, but when I wanted to take them out on my run, I couldn’t easily do that, so these would need to stay in for your entire run, no big deal, but worth mentioning, I like to be able to take mine out for certain sections of my run. The sounds was clear on both sets, except when I ran into the wind, there was a mild echoing sound in the foreground, a minor detail that I only noticed when there was a strong head wind. Both pairs are feather light, sweat resistant and available in 5 colors…see them right HERE.

They retail for $29.99 and are available HERE and right now you can get free shipping and $5.00 of with coupon code Fit4Life making them only $24.99, you can’t pass that deal up!

Speaking of women, if you haven’t signed up for your big fall race, please join me in Scottsdale AZ. for the Women’s Running Series Half Marathon, if you sign up early you save money, and I have a coupon code for an additional $10.00 off registration FITAZLISA…
for more information take a look HERE

FitFluential LLC and Koss sent me product free of charge for this campaign, however I am allowed to say whatever I want, and as always all opinions are my own.

There is nothing more annoying than having to stop what you are doing, especially a work out, to tie your shoe. Just ask my training partners, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the eye roll because I made everyone stop so I could triple tie my shoe for the second time. I have also received the stink eye from my son’s baseball coach when he quadruple tied my son’s cleats due to my inadequate tying skills. Although I have come undone in a few races, thank goodness my laces never have.

In comes Danielle from Lock Laces. She contacted me to see if I might be interested in trying out their product. I turn down quite a few reviews, but this one sounded like something I could see myself using outside of a review.

When they arrived I admired the colors and packaging. Then, I put them on my Saucony’s. They are simple to install and easy to use, no more difficult than regular laces. The Lock Laces stretch and have a water resistant coating. The best part? They doubled as a cat toy… everyone loved the Lock Laces!

I have been running in my Lock Laces for about a month now, and my partners are happy to report that we have had more uninterupted long runs than ever before. And my sons baseball coach? He’s pretty happy too. You never need to tie your shoes again and the elastic allows you to slip your shoes on and off like a slipper. I will never hassle with shoe laces again. I’m hooked on Lock Laces.

At $7.99 a pair, they’re not cheap but completely worth it in my opinion. You can “Build Your Own” 5 pack with an assortment of colors that you choose for $29.99. They come in 13 different colors, so there is something for everyone.

Don’t you love when someone invents something to remove the small annoying things in life? Now, if someone would invent a gadget that would make boys lower the toilet seat, we’d be good!

Have you tried Lock Laces?

Lock Laces sent me product free of charge to review, but I am allowed to say whatever I want, they were not promised a positive review, and my opinions are my own.

I’ve had my eye on Mountain 2 Beach marathon since they launched it 2011, but we were living in Virginia at that time. Then last year I ran my first 50K around the same time. So this year, I signed up. I love local races for many reasons, but this one just seemed ideal, a gentle downhill course that starts in the mountains of Ojai CA. and ends at the beach in Ventura. It isn’t perfect timing, since I just ran Boston, but my intention is to enjoy myself and see how I feel on race day. I have no expectation of a PR, I just want to go out enjoy the run.

This past Sunday, I went out and did my last 21 miler before tapering. It seems strange to be tapering since I only did one long run… but, I not complaining! Anyway, I ran the first 21 miles of the course – for the most part it is gorgeous! Here are some scenes from the run:

So, on May 26, 2013 I am going to go back out there and do it again, only this time with a few more runners. I love having a “no pressure, let’s have fun” race. Nice isn’t it?

Don’t forget to enter my Giveaway for Cherry Limeade Nuun and a Slush Mug right HERE

Have you run this race before?

Any low key races coming up for you?

Just one day after returning home from Boston, I received the incredible news that I was selected to run on the Nuun Hood to Coast relay team! Talk about a dream come true, I have longed to be on this very special team for several years and now that dream is becoming a reality! I am so incredibly grateful and honored. I can’t think of a better thing to do than to spend three sleepless nights with 19 other women doing the one thing that bonds us together: sharing our passion for running. I am so happy, I feel dizzy! If you are not sure what Hood to Coast is, take a look at this video

Can you stand it? When I watch it, my cheeks hurt from smiling!

Nuun recently put my bio up on their website right HERE. The company is composed of down to earth employees, most of whom are athlete’s themselves, so they really understand our needs. Nuun is one of the few companies that reaches out to it’s users via Social Media – they take the time to respond to you. I feel like I’m part of a family. Don’t be surprised if I come home with Nuun Tattoo one day. Yep, I love them that much.

In honor of being selected, I decided to drink a few hundred gallons of my new favorite flavor, Cherry Limeade. It tastes reminiscent of a Sonic Limeade Slush, so I set out to make my own version, plus, it’s warming up here in SoCal, so I am craving something icy cold after my long runs and this really hits the spot!

If you’re not sure what Nuun is, you can read all about it HERE

Add a Nuun Cherry Limeade tablet with 16 oz. of water and let it dissolve – takes about 5 minutes.

Pour into a Slush Mug available HERE and let it sit for about 10 minutes.

I use a metal spoon straws to scrape the slush off the sides of the mug.

And one more way I am celebrating, is by giving one lucky reader a tube of Nuun Cherry Limeade, a Slush Mug, and Spoon Straw of their own! Waaaa Hooo!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

They hold up well if you’re planning on taking them with you on a run. Although, if it’s a hot day I might not choose these, because I’m pretty sure they would get soft and sticky in the heat. I have been eating them as a recovery food. I don’t like to eat a big meal post workout, so a small square of one of these works out perfect. I made them as part of my Sunday Food Prep, if you’re not sure what that is take a look HERE

I feel I should warn you, these are not low in calories, so if you are watching those, keep your portion size small.

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How to Make

In a food processor add the following and blend until smooth:

1 cup of natural peanut butter or Sunbutter

1/4 to 1/2 cup of Honey

1/2 cup of Pitted Dates or Figs

1/8 cup of Flax Meal (Optional)

1/8 cup of Chia seeds (Optional)

1/4 Plain or Vanilla Protein Power (Optional)

1/2 tsp. of Cinnamon or Nutmeg

1 tsp. sea salt

1/4 to 1/2 cup of Coconut oil

Mix the following in by hand or pulse in with the food processor:

1/2 cup of chopped nuts

1 cup of Rolled Oats

1/8 cup of shelled Sunflower Seeds

1/8 cup of dried Gogi Berries, dried fruit, or cocoa nibs

1/8 cup of 70% Dark Chocolate chips

Form the Bars by pressing the mixture into an 8X8 baking dish, cover with wax paper, and press down once again to smooth.

Refrigerate until firm (about an 1 hour), then slice into bite sized squares and enjoy. Store them in your refrigerator.

Tell me in the comments below other things you would add in!

As I crossed the finish line it was a feeling like no other, the thrill of a dream fulfilled and many years of hard work coming to fruition had become a reality. I collected my medal and a volunteer wrapped a mylar blanket around me, my friend Travis, snapped a picture and we headed toward the busses to get our bags. Travis’ bag was in the 3000 bus and mine was in 19000, so we were separated momentarily while we found the vehicles that our bags were on. As I walked to my bus, that’s when it happened, the moment that changed everything from elation to confusion, fear and chaos. I paused for a moment, it was as if my brain could not register what was happening. I just stood there and said to myself “did that just happen?” I knew it was big and I knew it was something horribly wrong, but I had no idea what.

In that instant my friend Lindsay from The Lean Green Bean texted me to say congratulations and I texted back “Something very bad just happened, please check the news, I don’t know what’s going on, can you update me, it’s chaos here?” Rereading these texts, brings me to tears, it was such an awful moment. I am so grateful to have Lindsay keeping me posted on what was happening and to have her reassuring words.

My first thoughts were, of course, my husband, because he had been watching me at the finish line and my friend Lisa, who I had started the race with. After this I found my way back to Travis, he knew by the look on my face that something was wrong. “What’s going on?” Travis said. “Did you see or hear that explosion?” I asked. We walked toward the family meeting area in silence. I have no idea how it happened, but I walked right up to my husband.. there he was in a sea of people. I honestly have no idea how we found him. “Congratulations, Babe! I’m so proud of you!” he said. I approached him and said “there was an explosion.” “No, you’re fine, that was a scheduled military salute, I just asked a police officer” he said. For moment I wanted to believe him, but deep down I knew that there was no possible way, I know what I saw and it was not good. “Check Twitter” I said, he put in hashtag #Boston and then I will never forget his look and the color that left his face. “We need to keep moving forward” he said.

My husband is a trained Navy Diver and war veteran, I knew what he was thinking: “I’m used to, trained for and signed up to deal with these things.. I am the one who is supposed to see and experience these things, not her or any innocent people”. He was angry. We walked back to our hotel and had a surprisingly relaxed dinner. As they brought us the check, we were informed by the hotel that no one would be allowed into the property except registered guests.

When we went back to the room and turned on the TV, the reality and magintude of the circumstances sank in. I contacted all of my loved ones to let them know I was OK, packed my bags for a 6am flight, and sobbed myself to sleep. It’s impossible to fathom the psychotic nature of someone who would commit a senseless act like this. For God’s sake, an 8 year old boy? My son is almost eight years old! It hit home in a hard way.

The next morning we arrived at the airport and security was tight. As I went through the x-ray machines, I told the TSA agent I would be back next year, that these guys can’t scare us runners away, and she replied ” Good because the people of Boston will be here waiting of for you and we will be bigger and better than ever.” That’s how Bostonians are, they’re tough and resilient. These sitiuations make them stronger and more fierce.

The mood on the flight home was solemn and quiet. I felt happy to be home but also life felt different. I had just experienced the greatest moment in my life and then witnessed one of America’s greatest tragedies. My mind was numb.

Home again… LAX

As we disembarked the plane, I heard another passenger say the media was waiting for us at baggage claim. It just had not sunk into my mind what had happened, so I was almost confused when I heard this.. “Media? Why?” Again, my brain was on overload. As I approached baggage claim @GoodNewsWendy from KTLA asked if it was OK to ask a few questions about the marathon.

We drove straight back to our hometown – we did not even drop off our luggage – and went to get our children out of school early. I needed to hold them, to tell them how much I love and appreciate them. I was feeling so grateful to be here with them. I was overjoyed to see their smiling faces! The rest of the day I spent playing games with them, praising God to be home.

In the meantime, the local paper The Ventura County Star had contacted me for a print interview and a Los Angeles TV station KTLA asked if I would do a live interview the next morning. I agreed, only if the message would be positive and hopeful. They both assured me that they would be, and the next day I told my story on live TV and to the VC star reporter.

Here is a link to the KTLA TV interview right HERE

And a link to the Ventura County Star interview HERE

I was feeling pretty good a few days after returning home and then it hit me. I would burst into tears randomly throughout the day, I would wake up in the middle of the night and get stuck on certain thoughts like “where is my friend Lisa?” “Where is my husband Rob?” “What if Travis had been hurt?”

I was confused as to why I was so emotional and having trouble, after all, I was home and one of the safe ones. I had finished my marathon. Why was I having such a difficult time? My husband, a war veteran, explained what was happening. I was experiencing something similar to “near miss PTSD.” As soon as he said this out loud, I felt better because, I wasn’t questioning myself or trying to stop my feelings from coming. I allowed myself to be sad and cry when I needed to. If I woke up, my husband comforted me and said, “everything is OK, what you’re experiencing is normal.” It helped me to heal, and move on. I still find myself in tears occasionally when I talk about the day in detail to someone, but I’m am doing so much better. I went on a few trail runs to clear my head, and as always, I sorted things out through nature. It never, ever fails to reveal the answers to me.

Yes, indeed even in the darkest days, the light is always there. Sometimes it feels as though the sun will never shine again, but it will in time. The light is always there, the darkness comes and goes just like a storm. Just because these are turbulent times, it does not mean the light of the universe/ God is not there… God is constant, strong, and never waivers, even if we think otherwise.

 
As I was saying in my previous post, I want to write the story of what happened before the bombing occurred. I think it’s important to relive the incredible experience of being at The Boston Marathon, the moments that I will cherish forever. So here we go…

Flying Out

My husband and I left our home at 3am Saturday morning to catch a 6am flight out of LAX. My mom very generously agreed to say at our house and care for our three children while we were gone. We arrived at LAX, checked in, got some coffee, and boarded our flight bound for Boston. I loved looking around at all of the passengers wearing their Boston jackets from previous years, and a few with this year’s. (I did not wear mine, because I promised myself that I would not put it on until I crossed the finish line on Monday. I’m supersitious that way. Call me crazy, but that’s just me.) I packed my Nuun and my Mile Markers book, and cozied into our seats. As we flew out of LA, I looked out the window and saw the most amazing sunrise — it made waking up at 2am worth it. Simply amazing!

As we approached Boston my excitment was growing. This was my first time to this city and running this marathon, I couldn’t wait for the plane to land and get into the city to explore. Little did I know, that the city would welcome every runner as if they were a first class athlete from the moment you walk off the plane.

We took a cab into our hotel, The W Boston, got unpacked, and then met my Aunt and Uncle (who are from Cape Cod) and my Dad and his wife Lee, who flew in from Portland OR to watch the race. This was a big deal for me. My Aunt and Uncle drove 70 miles from Cape Cod and my Dad, who has a heart condition. flew out just to see me. I can’t tell you how much this meant to me.

After dinner, Rob and I were exhausted and went back to out hotel to get some sleep. Of course, I had my typical race insomnia and only slept a few hours.

Hitting the Expo

The next morning, we woke up and headed to the expo, where I had an appointment to be interviewed by Hylands Homeopathic. I have been a huge fan of their products for many years, so I was extremely happy when Jordan from Darby Communications had contacted me at the beginning of April to see if I would interested in an interview with them. The interview was conducted by Rusty Howes, their Director of Media. We talked about me being at my first Boston and how dreams take hard work, but they are so worth all of the effort.

Here is the video, from the Hyland’s interview. I am in a small clip, but more importantly it gives you a feel of what the Boston Marathon is all about and honors the people and City of Boston after the tragedy.

I was walking on air all day, so happy to be in Boston. It was a dream coming true and I was in heaven! After the expo, Rob and I walked around and looked at all of the booths and bought a few things for our kids. As I was leaving, I had the opportunity to meet two bloggers that I’ve followed since I first started: Jennifer from Running With The Girls and Jessica from Pace of Me.

On our walk back to the hotel, I ran into another one of my blogging friends, Travis from Run 4 Purpose. I had never met him and only had seen his pictures, yet when he walked pasted me on the crowded streets of Boston, I imediately knew who he was! We laughed, it was a fun moment.

The streets of Boston were buzzing with runners, a sea of marathon jackets and people doing their shake out runs. The vibe in the city was one of happiness, excitement, and anticipation for the race in the morning. We headed back to the hotel room, had a simple dinner, and watched the movie Zero Dark Thirty in our room. I tried to go to bed early, but once again was hit with my typical race and time change insomnia. I think I had about 4 hours of interrupted sleep when the alarm went off. As usual, I woke with a migraine, something I’ve had in every marathon. Sigh. I chose not to take my meds, which are very powerful and can interfere with my performance. In hindsight, I probably should have because I think the migraine interfered more than the meds would have. My Dad had the hotel send up a note the morning of the race, no one knew how later that day, this note would mean so much.

Race Day!

Our hotel was just a block from the buses, so we grabbed breakfast at the Panera across the street, met up with my friend Travis, and walked to Copley Square where the busses were loading runners to take to Hopkinton.

At Panera, watching the first buses head to Hopkinton

On the bus ready to take off.

My husband watching until our bus pulled away. The greatest husband ever.

Travis and I on the bus.

The bus ride went fast. Travis was with me, and since this was not his first Boston, he walked me through everything and put my mind completely at ease. I had zero pre-race jitters, thanks to his knowledge and wisdom.

We arrived at the athletes’ village, happy and relaxed, but I was still fighting my migraine. Much to our surprise, it was warmer than expected and everyone was shedding layers while waiting for our waves to be called. I was texting my blogger friend Lisa from Mom2Marathon, since we were both in Wave 3 and I wanted to find her. We got to meet up before the start and I introduced her to Travis.

At Hopkinton… the athlete’s village

Meeting up with Lisa

Travis, who runs a 2:50 marathon and was in Wave 1, generously offered to stay with me and pace me. At first, I said no, but could see that he really wanted to do it. Yes, that’s the kind of person he is, a complete badass and selfless all bundled up into one. My nickname for him? The Bassass Philanthropist.

They called our Wave, so we dropped our bags and made our way up to Wave 3, corral 2 and before I had time to think, we were off and running. I had taken my first steps of the 26.2 and the energy and excitement flew through me like a bolt of lightening.

In my Wave and about to start! Pure joy and excitement! My dream becoming a reality!

The miles flew by. The people of Boston line every inch of that course and they cheer for you like you’re the only one out there. Kids high five you, old and young are out passing out orange slices, ice pops, and drinks to the runners. They scream out “run children of Boston, run”. The marathon is part of their lives, it is in the fabric of their community. The energy is eletric and like no other race I’ve experienced. I don’t really like crowds and noise, but on the streets of Boston it makes you want to run your heart out. Most cities would be annoyed by the road closures, the crowds, the noise, the trash left on the streets – but not Bostonians. They welcome you and treat you like a rock star.

As I continued along the course, around mile ten I had that feeling, that dull pain, and I knew it was not going to be the greatest race. But I did not care in the least. I kept on rolling and when I reached Wellesley, the half way point, I looked for my family, who were there waiting for me.

Unfortunately, I never saw them, but I was so moved that they made such a huge effort to come out and cheer me on. As Travis and I approached the hills at the end of the course, I slowed my pace a bit. It was getting hot and there was no shade on the course. I kept telling myself, it’s uncomfortable, but that’s ok, keep pushing through it. I was saying things like: “you didn’t work, this hard and come all this way to slow down or stop,” “This is it, this is your chance.” Then, as I finished the last hill, the crowds thickened and became wild, and that energy propelled me forward. There was no better feeling than turning the corner onto Boylston and seeing the finish line.

The crowds were positively electric! It was a moment I will never forget. Even typing now it brings me to tears. I finished in 3:45:52. It wasn’t the perfect race, but it was exactly what I was meant to do that day. It was an 8 minute PR and a BQ for next year… I’m am so grateful.

As soon as I finished, collected my medal and mylar blanket and was heading away from the finish, disaster struck. I saw and felt everything, it’s too difficult for me to write about and I don’t want to relive it in this post or maybe ever, so we will leave it here.

I finished the Boston Marathon 2013, years of hard work and persistence got me to that moment. There are no words to describe the feeling other than pure bliss. I can’t write this without acknowledging that just moments later I would have equal heartbreak for the victims and families whose lives changed in an instant. It has been a struggle to get sort through all of this, but in the process of sorting, I was able to reach a point where I could allow myself to be proud of my achievement.

In the near future I will write a part 2, about after I crossed the finish line and coming home.

I think the best way to explain it would be to imagine you were delivering twin babies and one died in your arms. Perhaps this is extreme, but I am trying to find the words to explain my feelings. So here I am left with one great joy, I labored many years to achieve this moment only to have part of it ripped from my arms. I have the beautiful medal, I have the memories leading up to the event, all of my hard work paid off that day, and yet, there is this looming sadness. I am supposed to be happy and celebrating this accomplishment, but I have lost the joy that should come with it and I am mourning. The dark images of the day are tattooed in my memory. People tell me I should celebrate my success, and I know that I should. Yet, I find myself crying for the victims, the spectators, the people of Boston, and the runners. I am devastated by the damage.

I don’t want my success to be overshadowed by terror, but I can not get the image, the sound, and the feel of the bomb going off out of my mind. I feel like my achievement means so little in comparison to what happened, but for some reason everyone around me is telling me to celebrate… It’s utterly confusing. My mind is befuddled.

Still Sorting

I feel overly loving one moment, and apathy the next. I feel exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I feel so grateful to have my children, and annoyed by them in the next moment. I weep. I lash out at the people around me.

Generally, I am someone who sorts through my inner demons pretty well, and this time I find myself in a mind battle. So I do what I always do when this happens: I run and write. Unfortunately, it’s still not becoming clear.

I feel in a daze a lot. My answer to everything is “I guess.” Perfect example: Are you happy about your great achievement? “I guess.” Do you want a salad for dinner? “I guess.” Are you sad about the bombing? “I guess.” Are you feeling ok? “I guess.” Do you want to run another marathon? “I guess.” Don’t you think you should unpack from your trip? “I guess.” Are you OK? “I guess.” I am filled with uncertainty. I don’t know what what to do, how I feel, or what the answer is. I just don’t know.

For a few days I felt frozen in emotion and, just when I felt like things were turning a corner, I received the news that my Uncle has lost his battle with lung cancer and passed away on Friday. I am numb, once again.

My father goes in for heart surgery on Tuesday, a surgery that he has had multiple times before and it has been unsuccessful. If it fails again this time, I’m not sure what will happen. I can not bear one more heartbreak. Ironically, neither can he.

Running Always Helps

Usually, when I write I do so because I have an answer or have reached some place of enlightenment. But this time, I am just pouring my heart and soul out to you. This is me, all me, on my knees and hurting. I know I will pull through this, because that’s what running has done for me: taught me to keep moving forward one step at time, even in the most painful moments.

Running has taught me that I have a running family outside of the one that I was born into, to lift me up in these dark days. It has taught me that when you struggle, you become stronger somewhere down the line. It has taught be to have hope, to be believe in myself, and to persevere in the darkness.

Despite being so uncertain about everything else, when all I can say to every question is “I guess,” if you were to ask “do you want to go for run?” my answer is a solid and resounding “YES”. Other than my husband, running is the only thing that never wavers in my life. It is my rock, my church, my foundation, my light. I think of all of the victims who are left unable to walk, let alone run, and I can barely catch my breath. I am all over the place in a state of disorientation. Previously, I was plainly in disbelief and now the events that have occurred are settling into my mind… it’s overwhelming.

Life seems different. Life is different. Someday in the near future, I will write a detailed race report, if for nothing else so that my children may look back and read about the fruits of my labor becoming a reality. Although, we will move forward and recover, right here, right now this wave is a big one… So here we go to ride this storm out, one step at a time.